The Break-Up

How do you get rid of a vampire?

Geez. Things were so much simpler when I just dated my own kind. Now I have this issue on my hands.

Nigel is a nice guy, as vampires go. He treats me well. We go out, a lot. We have so much fun. Spending the night with him … well … let’s just say that never gets old, shall we, and leave it at that…but after seven years, what do we actually have in common?

Not a whole heck of a lot.

He’s a vampire. I’m…uhm…not. Ok. Ok. I’m an amorphic, is what we are called. I guess you might say a shifter? But I don’t think they are the same thing when you get down to it. I am not a werewolf or a weretiger. I don’t … shift. I am myself, but I am able to take on other likenesses, other forms. I don’t … shift. I just … become…become Other.

The problem is, Nigel is head over heels. He has been talking about marriage…marriage…a vampire. Look, I am all out for fun, as much as the next chick, but marrying a vampire? Doesn’t that sort of imply there that you have to become a vampire as well? He says no, but the way he said it told me that he was lying … that was all I needed to hear. I cannot become a vampire. I am, uhm, immune to whatever it is that makes a vampire a vampire. Otherwise, I’d have been a vampire a long long time before I met Nigel. Let’s not go there right now. It’s a long story…and it’s totally off course for right now.

So, how do you let down a vampire? How do you break up with a vampire?

I have told him I wanted to see other people. I told him we were getting too serious too fast. I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I told him once that I was on fire and the funeral would be next week. Nothing. He is a vamp with an answer for everything.

He is absolutely fine with me seeing other people. As long as he sees them with me too—so he can sample them…just to make sure they are good enough to be with me.

He apologized for moving too fast. He claims it’s a vampire thing. (REALLY!) He promised to take things much slower. Then offered to whisk me away for two weeks to the Island. I said no. He said he’d find somewhere I’d like better and we’d go. He has since offered a mountain trip, a trip to Bali, a trip to Tibet, and a trip to the Bahamas. I keep saying no. Not no thank you…just no.

He totally ignored the whole I do not want to see you anymore thing.  I mean, utterly.  It was as if I had not spoken at all.

As for the funeral, he sent flowers. He said he thought I had said my grandmother died. Oh, yeah, that woman hasn’t walked this planet in a thousand years…a fact I have mentioned once or twice…so…yeah…

I don’t have many other options.

I took off last month, hoping to be able to just vanish. With my nature, it shouldn’t have been all that hard. Ten days later, there he was. He showed up out of nowhere. He said he’d gotten a whim and followed it. Turns out he had private detectives on me … for a long time…now…the ones I know about, the ones I found, they don’t exist anymore.

Last week, I slipped out of a party he took me to and simply didn’t go anywhere. I stayed out in the park on the other side of town, hanging out as a tree, and he came and sat underneath me and talked and talked. Eventually, I actually listened. Apparently, somehow, he had known it was me all along.

So, tonight is my last time trying to reason with him.

We have a date to meet at my place in an hour or two. Whenever he finishes up whatever business he has. You know, the stuff as a non-vampire I am not privy to. Fine. Whatever.

Tonight, I have lots of good wine. All of it well-seasoned with herbs to intoxicate. Outright poisons he has told me he can always suss out. He has never worried about my herbal teas or tinctures though. Those are natural, he says. He also says they can’t hurt him. I think I will have to play Stevie Nicks singing Belladonna tonight during our alone time…just to prove a point…

I have the chains at the ready. He is always up for a good time…and a little bondage has always perked him right up. I wonder how long I will have to keep him alive. I do want to try to reason with him. I don’t think I will be able to get through. That’s why I have the sword at the ready. That’s why I have titanium shackles…and a full body set, not just wrists and ankles.

I wish it didn’t have to come to this, but I just don’t see any other way to break up with the guy.

Oh well.

Lesson learned, right?